Do you suspect people sneer behind your virtual back when it comes to your choice of forum name, IRC nick, or other online handles? Considering a new one and don't want to experience withering scorn and derision from your online peers? Hopefully this guide will make you aware of at least one reason no one wants to be your online friend.
Extreme Examples of The Bad (tm)
Sometimes we learn best by learning what not to do. Therefore, let's look at some of the most awful examples around:
- xXxS3ph1r0+h2382938942xXx
- GaNj4M4stA420
- subbypuppiekittie109
- Almost every name on XBox Live and PlayStation Network ever
From these shambling mounds of stupid, we can derive some guidelines for not being dumb.
Things Not To Do, Ever
These are rules that apply at least 95% of the time.
- You do not need numbers of any kind in your name, unless there's an exceptionally good reason for it (eg: mechanical critters, such as R2-D2, can do this). Roman numerals can sometimes be excused. Having a number at the end of your nick should cause others to immediately ask "where are the other (n-1) of you?"
- There is no reason to use tildes (~). At all. Other punctuation should be used sparingly, if at all. Clan tag brackets are acceptable. Underscores are highly questionable.
- Do not use any permutation of "XXX". 99% of you using it have no idea what it means. The 1% of you who do are dumb anyway. Names don't need decoration.
- No, you cannot mixup lower and upper-case letters just for fun, unless you like being seen as a raging tween asshat that desperately needs a curbstomping.
- L33tspeak names were quaint...in the mid 90's. Now they just show how out of date and how clueless you are. Stop.
- No, you can't be Sephiroth. No, you can't be someone from Naruto, Bleach, One Piece, or whatever other annymays there are. Get your own damn name.
- Trying to be "gangsta" online (or anywhere, for that matter). HEY GUYS MOM PAID FOR MY XBOX LIVE IMMA BUST A CAP YO
- Use of all caps is generally inexcusable.
Cautionary Measures
These guidelines apply a bit less, but can still lead to the dumb.
- [Adjective][Species] (eg: BlueWolf), especially for furry types, often leads to the dark side. [Common Noun][Species] can often be bad too.
- "Foreign" sounding names when you're not a native. Look up "wapanese" sometime. Hint: Even the Japanese are getting European nowadays.
- Having too many names smashed together is severely detrimental as well. It's okay to have a "full name" (as in having a first, middle, and last name), but don't use the whole thing in everyday use.
- In a related vein, if your desired name is greater than 10 characters, there's a good chance it's too damn long.
- Almost any use of something meaning "absence of light" is frowned upon (eg: shadow, dark, night, black) due to heavy overuse.
- Similarily, words like chaos, crazy, nutty, or insane are quite overdone.
So How Do I Pick a Good Name?
This part of the article is trickier, because coming up with a quality name is a finicky affair. Some aspects you can tweak for are:
- Character fit. Does the name gel with the character? For example, "Snugglebunny" is likely not the greatest choice for a large and angry sort (unless done for irony value, of course). Note that if you're the 'character' in question, then you might want your name to subtly indicate your personality (i.e. no, you can't be 'gangTHUGSTA' just because you think it'd be cool).
- Tone. Ask yourself: "If someone called me by this name on a chat or in real life, would it sound right?" If so, you're on the right path. If not, keep looking.
- For bonus points, is there an acceptable short form version that people can call you?
There are several approaches that can work.
The first (and likely the simplest) is to simply use a (not overused) common name, or perhaps a slightly uncommon name. There are several online databases of names, so go search for them. Note: Please do not use names like "Ashlynn" or "Bradynn". Too many children will lead scarred, broken lives because of some moms attempts at 'being cool', which turn out to be hating their child in the extreme. Don't do it to yourself.
The second is a little trickier and takes more work. The idea is to combine a small number of syllables (2-3 works, max 4) into a word that meets the quality criteria listed above. As an example, I combined "Sa" (sah), "Gi" (gee), "Sa" (sah), "Tta" (tah) into a character name on this site. Note that the same approach wouldn't be as useful for my Kremling character, Klutch, as almost all of them have names based off of hard-C real words (eg: Crush, Crunch, etc.).
Now that this polemic has educated you on what not to do and hopefully guided you in a more proper direction, you have no excuse for having a crappy online name. However, hundreds of thousands of others out there have not been so lucky, so please spread the word. Together, we can rid the world of people like "oOoThUg$M4S+4420oOo" forever.
