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The Big Princess Heist

 Super Mario Brothers meets Mickey Spillane in this short story.

 

M'name's Mario. Mario Mario. I'm a plumber-turned-detective along with my brother Luigi Mario. We work the Mushroom Kingdom beat. It's a hard lot, and our toughest cases involve finding and rescuing kittens. It does a lot to a man. My brother and I are likely the most hard-boiled people out here. But this is a story about a far more grand caper, the kind that'll make or break a man; test his sanity and will to the limit.

Ya see, it's like this. The Mushroom Kingdom has it's fair share of politics too, same as any place. After all, you've got to have people makin' the hard decisions around here. Hard decisions, like whether you can run your sprinkler at noon or not, or what day trash day'll be. That duty ultimately fell upon a one Princess Peach Toadstool, a real looker if there ever was one.

Now one day, the princess goes missing, stolen in the middle of the night, probably by some guy lookin' to make a move in on the scene. We got a call on it around 9am, from some hysterical Mushroom kid screamin' how theres a huge hole in the wall of the princess' bed chambers, and she's gone missing. I tell 'im we'll accept the case for a cool 200 coins - enough to buy each of us another life. A life away from this bleak, oppressive world of 1-1.

I knew a few people that might be a help to me, so setting out from the office I went on a look out for Tommy, an informant who'd been rather helpful in the past. Helpful for the right amount of coins, of course. But there was something different about Tommy when I found him. That usual self of his looked clearly gone, and my gut told me something was wrong, and I don't mean the kind of wrong that your gut would indicate after eating too much lasagna.

In a world where the hills and the clouds wear smiles, a man is bound to snap sooner or later, the former being a more likely case. To put it simply, Tommy had gone Goomba on me. I thought I could trust 'im. I really did. But time has a way of changing people, usually for the worst. And in Tommy's case, it gave him a bad attitude, a set of lower fangs, and a deadly gingerly walk coming right at me.

Now, we aren't allowed to carry guns or anything here, so I had to act fast. There's no telling what Tommy and his newfound pals planned on doing to me once they bumped into me - maybe haul me off to some bottomless pit or something. Having better things to do, I acted fast, and took to the air as he sauntered up to me, coming back down on his head, and took the liberty of crushing his two compadres while I was at it. There wasn't any turning back now.

After landing back on terra firma, I looked at the situation. Someone didn't want me finding that princess, and to find out who was going to take some serious investigating. I had heard rumors that the next world over had a seedy underground scene that might hide some truth in its dark underbelly. Taking a few shortcuts, I got there in a hurry.

Once I got there, I saw some Koopa thugs walking around, looking serious. Quickly hiding behind a wall, I picked up on a little of their conversations. Seems like Don Bowser was making a power play to control the kingdom for his own ends. That's the problem with these types, they're never satisfied. With that, I decided to take action, jumping on one as they walked away, forcing him into his shell. Threatening to kick him between two pipes, he squealed easy. Seems the Don was in the castle world of 1-4. Something didn't seem right about it - why would a punk like know where the main man was? It was all I had to go on, though. Getting out of there, I made my way to 1-4. Knowing I'd need an edge in case things turned ugly, I stopped by 1-3 and picked myself up a Fire Flower.

The castle was no joke. Guards everywhere. Fire chains that weren't just for pretty decoration. Pools of lava. Carefully making my way through this orchestrated maze of death put me through my paces. This guy wanted that princess pretty bad, but I wanted out even worse. In the end, I made it to his chamber, where a bridge over a lava pit awaited me.

Staring down that beast, I demanded to know where he'd stashed the princess. Apparently his only answer was to rear back and breathe a giant fireball at yours truly. Nearly taking me by surprise, I jumped at the last second, saving myself from a crispy end. I charged, tossing a few fireballs as I went. They didn't seem to faze him much, and he was rearing back for another blast.

At that moment, I'm not sure what exactly happened, but he jumped as I did, and I got knocked back and down. Somehow managing to get up, I noticed the power from the 'flower was gone, and I was going to be dancing for the big man. At least, that's what I thought. When a man's in trouble he starts noticing things. At least, I do. And what I noticed was a big axe behind his back. He was plannin' on cuttin' it when someone came! In any event, I knew that if I got to it, I could turn the tables on this creep.

Charging again, I head faked up to make it seem I was going to jump again. This threw him, and he went skyward. Making a dash under him while he was airborne, I took that axe in my hands, and just before swinging, he turned around, furious. With a swing, I cleaved the bindings of the bridge, causing it to collapse, sending him into the lava. Breathing heavily and coming down from the adrenaline high, I looked at what I'd done, and tossed the axe in after 'im. I turned around and headed into the inner chamber. Inside, I expected to find the princess. Instead, I found a mushroom guard.

As I approached him, his words hit me like a ton of bricks. Of course. It all made sense now. That turtle punk wouldn't know where the real don was.

Their princess was in another castle.

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